Joe Pyne interviewing Frank Zappa Joe: "I guess your long hair makes you a woman." FZ: "I guess your wooden leg makes you a table."

During WW1, Switzerland had a tiny standing army, but they were very skilled marksmen. Wilhelm II of Germany asked what 250k Swiss troops would do if he decided to invade with 500k German troops. The Swiss said, "Shoot twice and go home."

Winston Churchill, of course. Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea. Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it.

Someone yelled out in a Walmart , “I’m not ashamed of who I am”. Another voice echoed back, “that’s your parents job”

A guy makes fun of his bald friend by rubbing his head and saying, "Wow, your head is as smooth as my wife's bottom." The friend also rubs his head and says, "Wow - you're right."

Woman I work with, but don’t like, was in a MOOD one morning. Male colleague comes in, after putting up with her for a bit, looks at her and says, ‘Are you on your period or something?’. She turns around and stony-eyed says, ‘I woke up in a pool of blood and if you don’t shut the fuck up, you’ll end your day the exact same way.’ Never respected her until then.

My grandma asked my cousin, who'd had lots of partners and 2 kids at this point, if she was ever going to get married. Cousin: It's not the same nowadays. We don't buy cars without test driving them first. Grandma: Yeah. But they don't let you put a hundred thousand miles on them either. Point goes to Granny.

Saw a clip of a standup comedian the other day, and he says something along the lines of "the first time I had sex it was terrible... the first time I had sex..." and a woman chimes in with "you mean yesterday? " crowd laughs for a while, and while the comedian is waiting for them to calm down you can see the gears turn in his head, once it gets down to basically a few chuckles, he just says "Glad you remember " and the crowd just lost their [marbles], it was amazing

in middle school a boy asked when I was going to grow some boobs. So I asked him when he was donating his...... I'm still really proud of that one.

David Letterman: I'm not as dumb as I look. Tina Fey: How could you be?

My mom was a librarian and pulled this one on a rude patron. "Are you getting smart with me?" "Would you be able to tell?"

18th Century British radical politician John Wilkes was told in parliament by a political opponent "Sir, I do not know whether you will die on the gallows or of the pox". Wilkes shot back with "That depends, my lord, on whether I embrace your lordship's principles or your mistress."

Ghandi after a Reporter asked him a question. Reporter: What do you think of Western Civilisation Ghandi: I think it would be a good idea

The classic: "You're adopted" "At least my parents chose to have me"

English class in Middle School Kid A - "yo, Kid B, your mama waited on me at McDonalds last night. Must feel like shit having a mom that works at McDonalds" Kid B- " at least MY mom gets out of bed to go to work" English teacher far louder than he realized "DAYUM!" The rest of us were laughing so hard, the teacher next door popped her head in to see what was going on...

I have a twin brother. I’m older. He once told me when I came out, they knew it was a mistake and immediately tried again. I told him he was the “buy one get one of equal or lesser value free”. There was a fight after that one

"If you weren't so stupid what would you be?" Asks the husband. The wife replies, without even skipping a beat. "Single"

Me: We should learn from our mistakes! My friend: So that's why you have a younger sister?

Quiet guy in my art class got called queer bait. He replied with “If I’m the bait then you’re the catch of the day”

A dude in my class called out a semi friend of mine, that people are talking behind his back. In fact, that wasn’t the case, as far as I know, and that guy said: "Well you know what the say about you? Nothing, nobody fucking cares."

Not heard, but read. Easily the Spartans reply to Philip II of Macedon: "As Philip II of Macedon was conquering Greek city-states left and right, Sparta was left alone. Philip had achieved a crushing victory, and Sparta was relatively weak and without walls. Philip sent a message to the Spartans saying “If I invade Lakonia you will be destroyed, never to rise again.” The Spartans replied with one word, “If.”

A friend in highschool on our way to a track meet. He was staring at a car in the parking that was really nice. When this dbag saw him. Dbag: “why bothering looking at that when you know you’ll never be able to get one?” My friend: “the same reason you watch adult movies” The entire bus erupted and it’s still one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard.

My grandparents used to bicker. My grandmother generally came out on top, as she was fierier. One time though, she was asking him to do a bunch of stuff, and he muttered "If you'd lose some weight, you could do it yourself." She fixed her gaze on him, and glowered "I'm thinking of getting rid of about 200 lbs of useless fat immediately..." He replied "You're going to cut off your foot?"

A friend of mine was getting b****ed at by these 2 identical twin girls in a class I had once, he replied with a troubling look on his face and said "if you two are identical, how come only 1 of you are hot?" That dude played the long game as those two girls looked rather perplexed for the rest of the session.

I've been called worse things by better people.

I used to work with this like 70 year old woman, she was our supervisor, and one day one of the ladies who worked with us told this old lady to “kiss my ass” and the old lady replied “where do I start, you’re so fat your crack goes all the way up your back”

I asked my mother why she always wears makeup despite being in her 40s. She told me she wears makeup so she doesn’t look like me I was 9

One of my co-workers was cold-calling customers, trying to get appointments to drum up business. One of them told him to, "go f*** his hand," and he responded with "I've got that penciled in for 3. I should be done by 4 if you'd like to come in for an appointment then?" The guy laughed his ass off, and ended up coming in for the appointment.

Many, many years ago, when we were about 18, a friend of mine was arguing with another person we knew. This person was trying to be a badass and intimidate my buddy. He says"my feet are registered". Without missing a beat my friend replies"Where? Health & Sanitation?". Forty years later I still crack up at this when it comes to mind.

Son: Dad you don't know how to make a joke Dad: I Made You!

“What are you looking at?” “I’m still trying to find out.”

It was a exchange between 2 co-workers a few years back, basically a slut shaming gone wrong. Person A had only ever slept with one person, their previous boyfriend that they were still obsessed with. Person B was the opposite and would bang a different person every week. Person A: “I can’t believe how many people you’ve slept with, I don’t understand how people can have sex with someone they aren’t in love with” Person B: “Well your ex-boyfriend seemed to manage it okay” Person A: silence as he dies inside

Was out with a friend who was wearing a silly outfit. Someone came up and said "Why are you wearing that, it's not Halloween!" He replied with "Then why don't you take off that hideous mask?"

I work at a hotel. A few years ago this guest got into a spat with our security officer over something, but she wasn't getting whatever she wanted so she told him he was full of s___ Our security officer replied immediately, "no I'm not, I took care of that this morning. But thank you for your concern for my good health and regularity." At this time I was about to bust up laughing so I had to excuse myself to the back office, and as I was leaving I heard him continuing on with this lady, deadpan, "but I promise I eat a healthy diet full of fiber. It warms my heart to know you're concerned with me having regular bowel movements. So the next time I'm constipated I know you're thinking of me," It continued on and on, and all the more he's playing this deadpan and it's making the lady madder and madder, and I'm in the back laughing so hard I'm nearly crying. After that spiel was over though she didn't give us anymore problems the rest of the night.

Overheard by me, the school bus driver, one fifth grade student was belittling a first grader. When it was time for a comeback, first grader shouts out, "Congratulations!" The bewildered fifth grader had nothing to say and went to sit down with her friends in the back of the bus.